Elliot and James, a Drinking Song

Humbly offered for those moments in the adnotated manifesto when you can’t even. Please observe the two-pint minimum!

Gather ye children, and harken your ears
to the tale of the virgins who lived twenty years
lacking titties and cunnies and everything nice
for the sake of your knowledge of prosaic vice.

There was Elliot Rodger, gentleman supreme
who, failing his forefathers, just couldn’t seem
to say so much as “hi” to the opposite sex
and you’ll understand just how much he was perplexed
by the fact that no blonde ever stopped by to flex
her sweet kegels at him in the eve-ning.

Next ’twas James who was loosely called Elliot’s friend,
though he wished that their friendship played out end to end
For where Elliot finished ’twas where James began
And to Hill Top and Round House he frequently ran
to hear Elliot’s vengeful and retarded plans
as he gazed upon him in the eve-ning.

Oh hai la de dadee, oh hai la de dae
Elliot’s a faggot, but James is just gay
They bitch about women all night and all day,
and nobody’s laid in the mor-ning.

Said young Elliot to James “Life is cruel and unfair!
for no lady that’s blessed with a bountiful pair
will walk with me by moonlight while I watch ‘em bounce,
and I tell you I’m scheming to pour ev-ry ounce
of this coffee on girls who refuse to pronounce
my great name ’round my cock in the eve-ning.”

Countered James, “Worry not that you haven’t a lass.
They don’t like you, but I do; come here, make a pass
for I’ve never rejected a dejected rod
and I’ve lusted for years o’er your nice-shirted bod.
Shut your pie hole, do my hole, or I swear to God
I’ll unfriend your Facebook in the eve-ning.”

Oh hai la de dadee, oh hai la de dae
Elliot’s a faggot, but James is just gay
They bitch about women all night and all day,
and nobody’s laid in the mor-ning.

What occurred then, O children, I oughtn’t to say,
Though the two call it now their “Rectibution Day”.
And each year they mark it with an opulent feast
which eleven-months’ long keeps them oiled and greased.
It’s a mess, but it keeps them sequestered at least
from your Alpha Phi fling in the eve-ning.

3 Responses to “Elliot and James, a Drinking Song”

  1. I’m pretty sure epics are a lot longer.

    /deadpan

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