A Thermo-Rental Odyssey

June 8th, 2019

When I first lived in Romania I called the kitchen-cum-living-room I spent most of my time in "The Orange Spaceship" on account of the shocking citrus blinds that coated the room in rod-n-cone obliteration by day. At night the berth was a somewhat more serious sodium carmine affair. The walls were bright yellow, the couch was bright red, and I found an excellent pair of sunglasses that year, incidentally.

Imagine my chagrin, then, on introduction to Chez Vozvrashchenie; yellow walls, admittedly a little more lemon cream than 'lectric skullfucker, and orange-as-she-comes drapes, filtering the light into the kind of shade you hear before you see. The door, inset with dithered plexiglass1, cast neon orange shapes on the opposite wall outside, a warning, perhaps, to ungoggled adventurers.

I replaced the drapes with thick black floor-length brocade, grounding the Spaceship 2.0 in one fell swoop, but I'm still at a loss as to how to approach the remnants of that alien civilization, consisting primarily of three...things some Brigaweird General thought fit to hang on the walls. Send help!

Exhibit A:


A charming snapshot of Sol wringing the last tears out of the terran landscape, the thirsty death to come foreshadowed by rib-like ripples in the foreground's dunes. The sky's intense blues suggest cool water never again to be savored --at least, not in this room.

Exhibit B:


Nuclear apocalypse in fiery zenith! Behold the orange intensity dividing shrubbery from topsoil; the righteous from the evil-doers; the obedient from the dissenters? Also, I suspect (when squinting, anyway) the center semi-circle may originally have been an attempt at a chaos star. Who wouldn't want to fall asleep and wake up to such a pastoral portent?

Exhibit C:


Nefertiti looks on, decapitated and utterly unimpressed, as the procession of the KKK Dromedary Corps traverses Giza. That is, Giza Island, where the Corps presumably battles against the predominant brownness of the environment and the disappearing surface area, requiring a constant smooshing together of the perilously close pyramids.

Would you believe me if I said that furthermore, the sheets that came with the place depict black silhouettes of snowmen, reindeer, and gift-wrapped boxes on a white foreground festooned with "holyshitisthataSPIDER!!1" black stars, too?

  1. Ever notice how things officially described as "Design Elements" are necessarily devoid of elementary design? []

4 Responses to “A Thermo-Rental Odyssey”

  1. nicoleci says:

    Great title. Let's not forget that Wilhelm is always available for comfort.

  2. Name (required) says:

    The fun thing about the Nefertiti bust is that it's a modern (around the time of the excavation) speculation. The hieroglyphs are a testament to the artist's unfamiliarity with the source material. The other pictures look like (inkjet on canvas?) prints from photographs, that I suspect might carry the 70s in their chemistry. Or maybe someone just liked oversaturated colours a lot. In that it's a match to the description of the interior.

    • hanbot says:

      "unfamiliarity with the source material"

      Also perspective, anatomy, sense, taste, the world at large....

      Defo 70's vibe. Modern Banat is what you'd expect would happen if you dumped a buncha cheap 90's tech on people perpetually stuck in '72, with an extra dash of xenophobia and the inexplicable extinction of the shower curtain as a known device.

  3. [...] to the museum, I picked up two very fine Muchasian artifacts so as to work on countering my rentally-enforced collection at [...]

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